Now where did I put those pants??

So…..I had a rough weekend.  Found out something at the end of last week that I would rather not have known.  It knocked the wind out of me for a couple of days.  I haven’t felt like writing, or doing anything creative whatsoever for the past couple days. (I hope that comes back soon).  My daughter spent the weekend at her dad’s, so it gave me some time to just think about things, not having to hide tears from her, and try to put things in perspective.  Think about the direction my life is going to take, and not take now.  

My first thought was, no way am I going to blog about this.  No one wants to read about “doom and gloom”.  I know I don’t!  But I have found lately, that reading things that could be considered “doom and gloom”, can have a positive impact, because shining through that, is someone’s positive outlook, hope, faith, and lots of other gifts that emerge from pain.  Besides, sometimes that’s just life.  It’s not always pina coladas and flip flops. I have also realized, that writing about it, is a great way for me to sort through it all in my head.  To break it down, and pull out the positives. As I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s theraputic for me.

Take Ashley from Lil Blue Boo.  She was diagnosed with cancer in October 2011.  Her story has inspired me.  No, not the part about her getting cancer.  I don’t enjoy reading about the trials and pain she has been through with her diagnosis.  What I have been inspired by, is her ability to embrace what has happened and totally turn it around, into something so inspiring and encouraging.  I’m comforted by following her life.  It makes me feel like everything will be ok.  And deep down, I KNOW it will be, I just wish I could push the fast-forward button sometimes and skip to the part where it doesn’t hurt anymore.  (Yeah, me and everyone else on the planet, I know).

So, Friday, I made it through my half day at work, managing to avoid eye-contact with anyone so they couldnt see my bloodshot puffy eyes.  That also helped to avoid any questions like “how are you”, or “is everything ok”….which in my current state just leads to immediate tears, so, NOT a good thing.  I spent more time crying on Friday day than I spent not crying.  Ugh.  Not fun.  I had to go pick up a couple t-shirts for my friend Tasha and I, that we are decorating for the Run For Ribbons 5k next weekend.  It’s a walk/run for ALL types of Cancer.  I am choosing to do mine in Grey (Brain Cancer for my Step-Mom) and Lavender (for ALL cancers).  So, I went to the Cancer Center “incognito” wearing my sunglasses the entire time, yes, even inside the building, to hide my eyes.  Luckily it was sunny outside, so I was hoping everyone would just figure I forgot I was wearing them.  I picked them up, and went home to spend some time with my girl before her dad picked her up. 

Sidetrack for a minute……about a month ago, I ordered a beautiful Choose Joy necklace from The Vintage Pearl, that were created for, and are being sold to help pay for Ashley’s (Lil blue boo) ever increasing medical bills.  They have been so overwhelmed by orders, (fantastic!) that they have to close the ordering down, make more, and then ship them.  I received notification that mine was going to ship, and anxiously checked the mailbox every day the following week (last week) for its arrival.  Wouldn’t you know, I walked down to the mailbox after Emma left for her dads on Friday, and there it finally was.  The day when I could not shut the darn faucet (tears) OFF.  The day when I really, Really, REALLY needed that reminder.  That’s timing. So, of course, I was standing at the mailbox in tears like an idiot. Here it is……I don’t think I’ll ever take it off….. 

Ok, back on track now…….I headed over to Tasha’s so we could do the shirts.  She rescued me AGAIN.  She saved me from throwing myself a pity-party the rest of the night.  I know I would have inevitably ended up doing it, regardless of wanting to or not.  Here we are doing our shirts. Tasha is getting VERY into it.  Teehee…..

As for the rest of the weekend…..my friend Brenda tried dragging me out of the house during the day on Saturday, but I wasn’t able to “locate” my “big girl pants” till about 5pm.  😉 So I finally put em on and went over to her place for the evening.  She just recently had her house built, and moved in.  It’s a beautiful house!  (She definitely has a knack for home interiors.) After the hard times she has had lately, I’m so happy for her to finally have a place of her own and a fresh beginning in it with her son!  We had some dinner and ended up talking about fun stuff, and not so fun stuff, until 1:00am in the morning.  Let me tell you…that is like WAYYYY past my bedtime!  I can’t remember the last time I saw 1:00am, where I wasn’t just letting my dog out to go potty.  It was awesome to chat and spend the time with her. 

Sunday, started feeling a little more like a normal person, and one that hadn’t just had her heart ripped out of her chest. I got Emma back then took Emma her to a friends birthday party.  They had it at the Gymnastics Gym so that’s always fun for the kids.  Wears them out FAST.  😉 See…..

Anyway, I guess now, I just need to focus on what I learned from this little “blow”.  It’s pretty darn hard for me to do for a couple of days.  My head says suck it up and be thankful for the things that are positive in my life.  My heart says OUCH, please hide me.  I’m going to Choose Joy.  I HAVE to Choose Joy.  Why would I want anything else?  I feel selfish for feeling so defeated by this, when there are others out their, like my Step-Mom Tutu, and Ashley, that are fighting for their lives.  I get to wake up each day and know that I am healthy, and my daughter is healthy.  That is the most important thing.  I suppose I need to think about the little lecture that I gave Emma after her pout-a-thon at Shakey’s Pizza (read about it here). That beyond the basics, everything else is just “frosting”. 

It hurts, for sure. 😦  But I’m going to take the positives with me, and flush the rest. I have to keep the faith that someday a man will walk into our lives that will love Emma and I, as much as we will love him.  Until then, we will live our lives to the best of our abilities, and we will continue to choose joy everyday, in everything we do.  Because…..well…..WE CAN. 

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